you people make me sick

i fucking hate you.

Growing up

Lately, i don't know what's spurred it on, but my boyfriend's wife and i are talking. Really taking. Actually having conversations and interacting like--dare i say it: friends? Realizing eachothers non-monster existance is refreshing. Feminism is not a pipe dream.

1 confession (overdue)

i've been sleeping with my best friend, who happens to be my current guy's best friend. (like BESTEST BESTEST friend) what was a painfully close big-brother/little-sister relationship has grown into a full-on romantic and physical entanglement complete with illegitimate, erm, creationism. what started as a completely consensual three-way is now breaking off into three relationships and dissolving my best friend's marriage.

a few weeks ago i realized why i'm okay with sleeping with someone who's already married. MY boyfriend hurt me. He slept around with another girl, married her and even got her pregnant. We're together, but he's never officially broken it off with his other "wife". F can't hurt me. I think. It seems all well and good to have someone look after you when you're the other woman. Then he stopped going home. They only really text each other now and he says he's fallen for me. Really, it sounds less immature and more serious and hard to swallow in real life.

Maybe all along i've really felt like the other woman to my boyfriend. maybe...if i bring this up it would rupture the whole family.

Day 9

2 smileys? Who wrote this shit?

8-/
X0

I think thats what it meant?

Day 8

3 turn-ons

*jack
*artisanal cookery
*steinway pianos

Day 7

Four turn-offs:

1. Shaved hair
2. Affinity for popular music and/or hip hop
3. Baggy panys
4. Cheat on me i'll rip your fuckin' eyes out!

Day 6

Five people who mean a lot, in no specific order:

Jack
Johnny
Bunga the Cat
Mia
Frank Iero

Day 5

6 things you wish you never did:

1. I wish i never went to kmart.
2. I wish i never said too much at value city.
3. Went to work the day of Baba Grace's funeral.
4. Told Johnny not to worry, that there was nothing going on between me and Jack.
5. I wish i had never NOT told Jack how much i wanted to be with him.
6. That time i cut my hair--oh my god, if i could take THAT one back!

Day 4

7 things that cross my mind

1. I lived through the bush-cheney american armageddon.
2. My relationship with my job is worse than my relationships with men who have cheated on me by way of fathering other children.
3. I eat WAY better than most skinny girls i know.
4. I probably could make it as an artisenal farmer or agriturisimo.
5. I am afraid to challenge myself.
6. I NEVER hang up or put away my laundry. Very bad habbit. Haunts me every time i get dressed.
7. If i die, i want heaven to be simpsonized.

Day 3

8 Ways To Win My Heart:

1. Take me pumpkin picking.
2. Buy me a farmhouse.
3. Cook like mad and rear my kids (that has to be done at the same time so it counts as one.)
4. This is hard. No matter how many times i dye and cut my hair myself and totally screw it up, never bring it up again.
5. Stand around and watch me cook.
6. Don't knock up another girl.
7. Apologize for knocking up that other girl.
8. Marry me.

Day 2

Nine things about yourself:

1. I cannot sleep alone.
2. Or with the lights off.
3. I believe in ghosts and fairies and the like.
4. If i could still eat pork and keep my men uncircumcised, i would convert to judaism tomorrow.
5. Cooking and vegetable gardening are two of the very few things that make me happy--i can do them for hours at a time.
6. I can read minds.
7. I can sing soul, beautifully.
8. I don't like to make eye-contact.
9. I like to sleep to the simpsons.

10 Days

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now:
1. I love you.
2. If i could keep you in my house forever i would. You are his right hand man and a brother to me. I cannot wait for our children to to marry and carry on this crazy dynasty we are building brick-by-brick.
3. You are the strongest man i know--not the oldest. You are raising nearly twelve kids by yourself and you deserve all the happyness in the world. I will never leave your side, so stop pouting.
4. I dream about you and i want you to get better. I think about you all the time. You are the most talented man of your breed and when we build that family compound you had better stick around.
5. I think about you every day, and i think you are more than a boyfriend-stealer. You are the mother of his child too and i want this to be the shortest time in our lives that we hate eachother. It seems impossible but as well as our daughters, i want us to be sisters. I'm sorry i held on to this poison so long.
6. You are so much brighter than your teachers had you believe all your life. You may be the first one in this family to get a masters degree and own the entire world with it. Keep your head up and kick like hell.
7. I'm sorry i stopped calling you when you broke up with her. I really wanted her to have your children. I think you could still be the best uncle ever, though.
8. You really have NO idea what's been goin' on.
9. Someday i swear you'll understand all the good you've done for me--even though you think that i think that we both "know" you fucked up.
10. I'm going to come home and take care of you and your brothers and sisters very soon, i promise. I love you.