Bitch i swear i'll go crazy.
I fell in love. At least, i think i did.
I work with a 17 year-old boy. He's one of those rare finds. Friendly, tall and lanky. Chuck-taylors and a kings of leon anthology on his phone.
We'd flirt a lot, mostly because he's a total slut--and if someone's giving somethin' away, who am i to refuse?
So it started out as someone to look forward to working with. Then it was a crush, then a manipulation. We'd get really close, then get scared and fight and run away...
We fought really bad on sunday morning and he won't talk to me. I'm scared now we might not ever have a chance to even be friends now. First we fought attractions to each other, now i'm fighting heavy feelings. I think i love him a little.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
fucking hate bitches
i don't think I'm a negative person. negative thinking is like a clamp on my head; totally shutting off all functioning thoughts and progression. However there are people i can't freaking stand who give my soul cancer.
*names have been changed
1. Russ. Boss at work. Not really MY boss, just an assistant manager. Total fucking ASSHOLE. Came to our store from another one to replace someone on medical leave. Sexist. Hordes stock guys like they're fucking little monopoly thimbles. I have a carry-out the day before thanksgiving, and because stock is working on a pre-holiday truck, Russ has to take out a dining set by himself. This is all my fault. It's my fault that there were no other stock guys scheduled off-truck to help out with carry outs and maintenance. It's my fault the carry out is a heavy dining set. It's my fault the customer decided to pick it up in the middle of a truck. It's my fault that no one can get a pallet-jack into the holding area because obviously I am the one piling furniture where it doesn't belong for the sake of abandoning it on a pile for someone else to deal with. It's all my fault that it got that way in the first place. FUCK. YOU. RUSS.
a half hour later there's another carry out--two things from the furniture-holding area. a coworker is processing the pick up and she's paging for Russ to come back and take it out. Russ isn't answering her pages, so I call again for her. Russ calls back wanting to know exactly what it is that's coming out.
"I don't know, it's Gloria's layaway. I just paged for her because no one was answering."
"well what's coming out."
"I don't know, it's not my layaway."
"You're not answering my question, and I'm not coming back there till you tell me exactly what it is that has to come out."
Russ also tells all of "his" stock guys that they don't have to lift anything that's under 45lbs. They don't have to do anything that one of the girls shouldn't be able to do. FUCK. YOU. RUSS.
*names have been changed
1. Russ. Boss at work. Not really MY boss, just an assistant manager. Total fucking ASSHOLE. Came to our store from another one to replace someone on medical leave. Sexist. Hordes stock guys like they're fucking little monopoly thimbles. I have a carry-out the day before thanksgiving, and because stock is working on a pre-holiday truck, Russ has to take out a dining set by himself. This is all my fault. It's my fault that there were no other stock guys scheduled off-truck to help out with carry outs and maintenance. It's my fault the carry out is a heavy dining set. It's my fault the customer decided to pick it up in the middle of a truck. It's my fault that no one can get a pallet-jack into the holding area because obviously I am the one piling furniture where it doesn't belong for the sake of abandoning it on a pile for someone else to deal with. It's all my fault that it got that way in the first place. FUCK. YOU. RUSS.
a half hour later there's another carry out--two things from the furniture-holding area. a coworker is processing the pick up and she's paging for Russ to come back and take it out. Russ isn't answering her pages, so I call again for her. Russ calls back wanting to know exactly what it is that's coming out.
"I don't know, it's Gloria's layaway. I just paged for her because no one was answering."
"well what's coming out."
"I don't know, it's not my layaway."
"You're not answering my question, and I'm not coming back there till you tell me exactly what it is that has to come out."
Russ also tells all of "his" stock guys that they don't have to lift anything that's under 45lbs. They don't have to do anything that one of the girls shouldn't be able to do. FUCK. YOU. RUSS.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Growing up
Lately, i don't know what's spurred it on, but my boyfriend's wife and i are talking. Really taking. Actually having conversations and interacting like--dare i say it: friends? Realizing eachothers non-monster existance is refreshing. Feminism is not a pipe dream.
Friday, October 22, 2010
1 confession (overdue)
i've been sleeping with my best friend, who happens to be my current guy's best friend. (like BESTEST BESTEST friend) what was a painfully close big-brother/little-sister relationship has grown into a full-on romantic and physical entanglement complete with illegitimate, erm, creationism. what started as a completely consensual three-way is now breaking off into three relationships and dissolving my best friend's marriage.
a few weeks ago i realized why i'm okay with sleeping with someone who's already married. MY boyfriend hurt me. He slept around with another girl, married her and even got her pregnant. We're together, but he's never officially broken it off with his other "wife". F can't hurt me. I think. It seems all well and good to have someone look after you when you're the other woman. Then he stopped going home. They only really text each other now and he says he's fallen for me. Really, it sounds less immature and more serious and hard to swallow in real life.
Maybe all along i've really felt like the other woman to my boyfriend. maybe...if i bring this up it would rupture the whole family.
a few weeks ago i realized why i'm okay with sleeping with someone who's already married. MY boyfriend hurt me. He slept around with another girl, married her and even got her pregnant. We're together, but he's never officially broken it off with his other "wife". F can't hurt me. I think. It seems all well and good to have someone look after you when you're the other woman. Then he stopped going home. They only really text each other now and he says he's fallen for me. Really, it sounds less immature and more serious and hard to swallow in real life.
Maybe all along i've really felt like the other woman to my boyfriend. maybe...if i bring this up it would rupture the whole family.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Day 7
Four turn-offs:
1. Shaved hair
2. Affinity for popular music and/or hip hop
3. Baggy panys
4. Cheat on me i'll rip your fuckin' eyes out!
1. Shaved hair
2. Affinity for popular music and/or hip hop
3. Baggy panys
4. Cheat on me i'll rip your fuckin' eyes out!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day 5
6 things you wish you never did:
1. I wish i never went to kmart.
2. I wish i never said too much at value city.
3. Went to work the day of Baba Grace's funeral.
4. Told Johnny not to worry, that there was nothing going on between me and Jack.
5. I wish i had never NOT told Jack how much i wanted to be with him.
6. That time i cut my hair--oh my god, if i could take THAT one back!
1. I wish i never went to kmart.
2. I wish i never said too much at value city.
3. Went to work the day of Baba Grace's funeral.
4. Told Johnny not to worry, that there was nothing going on between me and Jack.
5. I wish i had never NOT told Jack how much i wanted to be with him.
6. That time i cut my hair--oh my god, if i could take THAT one back!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Day 4
7 things that cross my mind
1. I lived through the bush-cheney american armageddon.
2. My relationship with my job is worse than my relationships with men who have cheated on me by way of fathering other children.
3. I eat WAY better than most skinny girls i know.
4. I probably could make it as an artisenal farmer or agriturisimo.
5. I am afraid to challenge myself.
6. I NEVER hang up or put away my laundry. Very bad habbit. Haunts me every time i get dressed.
7. If i die, i want heaven to be simpsonized.
1. I lived through the bush-cheney american armageddon.
2. My relationship with my job is worse than my relationships with men who have cheated on me by way of fathering other children.
3. I eat WAY better than most skinny girls i know.
4. I probably could make it as an artisenal farmer or agriturisimo.
5. I am afraid to challenge myself.
6. I NEVER hang up or put away my laundry. Very bad habbit. Haunts me every time i get dressed.
7. If i die, i want heaven to be simpsonized.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day 3
8 Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Take me pumpkin picking.
2. Buy me a farmhouse.
3. Cook like mad and rear my kids (that has to be done at the same time so it counts as one.)
4. This is hard. No matter how many times i dye and cut my hair myself and totally screw it up, never bring it up again.
5. Stand around and watch me cook.
6. Don't knock up another girl.
7. Apologize for knocking up that other girl.
8. Marry me.
1. Take me pumpkin picking.
2. Buy me a farmhouse.
3. Cook like mad and rear my kids (that has to be done at the same time so it counts as one.)
4. This is hard. No matter how many times i dye and cut my hair myself and totally screw it up, never bring it up again.
5. Stand around and watch me cook.
6. Don't knock up another girl.
7. Apologize for knocking up that other girl.
8. Marry me.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Day 2
Nine things about yourself:
1. I cannot sleep alone.
2. Or with the lights off.
3. I believe in ghosts and fairies and the like.
4. If i could still eat pork and keep my men uncircumcised, i would convert to judaism tomorrow.
5. Cooking and vegetable gardening are two of the very few things that make me happy--i can do them for hours at a time.
6. I can read minds.
7. I can sing soul, beautifully.
8. I don't like to make eye-contact.
9. I like to sleep to the simpsons.
1. I cannot sleep alone.
2. Or with the lights off.
3. I believe in ghosts and fairies and the like.
4. If i could still eat pork and keep my men uncircumcised, i would convert to judaism tomorrow.
5. Cooking and vegetable gardening are two of the very few things that make me happy--i can do them for hours at a time.
6. I can read minds.
7. I can sing soul, beautifully.
8. I don't like to make eye-contact.
9. I like to sleep to the simpsons.
Friday, October 1, 2010
10 Days
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now:
1. I love you.
2. If i could keep you in my house forever i would. You are his right hand man and a brother to me. I cannot wait for our children to to marry and carry on this crazy dynasty we are building brick-by-brick.
3. You are the strongest man i know--not the oldest. You are raising nearly twelve kids by yourself and you deserve all the happyness in the world. I will never leave your side, so stop pouting.
4. I dream about you and i want you to get better. I think about you all the time. You are the most talented man of your breed and when we build that family compound you had better stick around.
5. I think about you every day, and i think you are more than a boyfriend-stealer. You are the mother of his child too and i want this to be the shortest time in our lives that we hate eachother. It seems impossible but as well as our daughters, i want us to be sisters. I'm sorry i held on to this poison so long.
6. You are so much brighter than your teachers had you believe all your life. You may be the first one in this family to get a masters degree and own the entire world with it. Keep your head up and kick like hell.
7. I'm sorry i stopped calling you when you broke up with her. I really wanted her to have your children. I think you could still be the best uncle ever, though.
8. You really have NO idea what's been goin' on.
9. Someday i swear you'll understand all the good you've done for me--even though you think that i think that we both "know" you fucked up.
10. I'm going to come home and take care of you and your brothers and sisters very soon, i promise. I love you.
1. I love you.
2. If i could keep you in my house forever i would. You are his right hand man and a brother to me. I cannot wait for our children to to marry and carry on this crazy dynasty we are building brick-by-brick.
3. You are the strongest man i know--not the oldest. You are raising nearly twelve kids by yourself and you deserve all the happyness in the world. I will never leave your side, so stop pouting.
4. I dream about you and i want you to get better. I think about you all the time. You are the most talented man of your breed and when we build that family compound you had better stick around.
5. I think about you every day, and i think you are more than a boyfriend-stealer. You are the mother of his child too and i want this to be the shortest time in our lives that we hate eachother. It seems impossible but as well as our daughters, i want us to be sisters. I'm sorry i held on to this poison so long.
6. You are so much brighter than your teachers had you believe all your life. You may be the first one in this family to get a masters degree and own the entire world with it. Keep your head up and kick like hell.
7. I'm sorry i stopped calling you when you broke up with her. I really wanted her to have your children. I think you could still be the best uncle ever, though.
8. You really have NO idea what's been goin' on.
9. Someday i swear you'll understand all the good you've done for me--even though you think that i think that we both "know" you fucked up.
10. I'm going to come home and take care of you and your brothers and sisters very soon, i promise. I love you.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Holy wine
Maybe all i need is a box of brownie batter. I have a really crappy job. I mean it's the worst i have ever had. Two-faced management, oppressive dress code, awful clientele, shitty hours and half-baked coworkers. I can't believe i've been there as long as i have. All i think about when i'm there are my next days off and where else i'd rather be working. Working their front end completely burned me out and ruined my life. Some days i dont know if i have been black-balled and they have me blacklisted with other companies or if there really are no other jobs out there for me. It has made me suicidal and completely emotionally dependent on my loved ones. Instead of being an independent and driven young woman, i have become paranoid, shifty, predjudiced, judgmental, vulnerable, untrusting, self-centered and morose. Some days the only thing that levels me off is my love for gardening and cookery. If i could walk out and just find one outlet i can make a living off of that would sustain me body and soul i could want for nothing else. The relationships i have built with workers there have truly enriched my soul and i wish there was a way to free us from this awful punishment. I wish i could avenge them.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Bananas foster
He said something today that scared me. All day i felt unsettled in my stomach. I went to him earlier when it dawned on me as to why this attack on another person disturbed me--i dont know him to be an agressive person. My whole life he's never had a malicious side. He scared me because i dont really know him. His outburst (aimed completely at someone else) alarmed me. It exposed a hole in our intimacy--and revealed a limit we had not been aware of. If he was capable of rejecting this person based on a careless overlook of taste and conversational tact, was he capable of rejecting me?
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I don't really like danishes.
I have a friend. He loves me very much. He's married to a beautiful woman and has two young daughters. He stays with me some nights and i sleep with him. He looks after me and he stuck up for me when my boyfriend married another girl i had never met. He comforts me when i feel powerless and he holds my hand when i'm scared. He has all the light in the world in his eyes and he lives like a newborn soul. Some days i would do anything. I would do anything to carry his grace. (gnarls barkley: surprise)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
my horror collection
1. Scooby Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf
2. Night of the Living Dead (Savini Remake)
3. Day of the Dead (+ Special Features Disk)
4. Return of the Living Dead
5. Hocus Pocus
6. The Lost Boys
7. The Evil Dead
8. Children of the Grave
9. Rocky Horror
10. The People Under the Stairs
11. An American Werewolf in London
12. Doghouse
13. Serial Killing 101
14. Planet Terror
15. Dawn of the Dead
16. The Gate
17. Sleepy Hollow
18. The Addam’s Family
19. The Addam’s Family Values
20. Friday the 13th, 2009
21. The Omen
22. A Haunting in Conneticut
23. The Amityville Horror
24. Wolfman 2010
25. The Shinnin’
26. Suspiria
27. The Devil’s Backbone
28. Kick Ass
29. Teen Witch
30. Halloweentown
31. Gravedancers
32. Restraint
33. Rosemary’s baby
34. Halloween
35. I know Who Killed Me
36. Amityville 1005
37. Shelter
38. Fido
39. Phantasm
40. Legion
41. The Serpent and the Rainbow
42. The Shortcut
43. Hannibal Rising
44. Rise: Blood Hunter
45. Taking Lives
46. Diary of the Dead
47. The Legend Trip
48. Near Dark
49. Zombieland
50. Dance of the Dead (w/ zombies)
51. Dead Alive
52. The Dead Zone
53. Army of Darkness
54. Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh
55. Ernest Scared Stupid
56. Alice in Wonderland 2010
57. Open House
58. Ed Gein
59. The Hills Run Red
60. Orphan
61. Jennifer’s Body
62. BTK
63. Frankenstein
64. Saw
65. Mr. Brooks
66. Pact of Silence
67. The Hunger
68. Cold Creek Manor
69. 30 Days of Night
70. The Devil’s Curse
71. Demons
72. The Howling
73. House of 1,000 Corpses
74. The Toxic Avenger
75. Prom Night (original)
76. Hatchet
77. Drag Me to Hell
78. Salem’s Lot
79. Zombies of Mass Destruction
80. Survival of the Dead
81. Daybreakers
82. Halloween 2 (Rob Zombie Remake)
83. The Re-Animator
84. Lost Boys II
85. The Woman in Black
86. One Missed Call
87. The Corpse Bride
88. The Happening
89. The Mist
90. Book of Blood
91. Day of the Dead (remake)
92. The Eye
93. Land of the Dead
94. Kemper
95. Dracula’s Guest
96. Dance of the Dead
97. Red Victoria
98. The Zodiac
99. The Zodiac (other one)
100. Murder Party
101. The Grudge III
102. Bled
103. Lady in the Water
104. Lucio Fulci’s ZOMBIE
105. Alone in the Dark II
106. Bob Berdella
107. Return of the Living Dead III
108. Shockwaves
109. My Bloody Valentine
110. I Bury the Living
111. Laid to Rest
112. Virus Undead
113. Vampire Clan
114. House
115. Mirrors
116. Mother Of Tears
117. P2
118. The Village
119. Money Matters
120. Boogeyman II
121. The Grey Man
122. Hannibal
123. Silence of the Lambs
124. Last of the Living
125. ZOMBIE COLLECTION: Night of the Living Dead (1968)
126. ZOMBIE COLLECTION: The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave
127. ZOMBIE COLLECTION: Terror Creatures from the Grave
128. ZOMBIE COLLECTION: The Snake People
129. ZOMBIE COLLECTION: Messiah Evil
130. The Ninth Gate
131. Fright Night
132. Death Becomes Her (VHS)
133. The Forsaken
134. Return of the Living Dead II
135. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
136. CHUCKY KILLER DVD COLLECTION: Child’s Play II
137. CHUCKY KILLER DVD COLLECTION: Child’s Play III
138. CHUCKY KILLER DVD COLLECTION: Bride of Chucky
139. CHUCKY KILLER DVD COLLECTION: Seed of Chucky
140. Interview with the Vampire
141. Frailty
142. Day of the Dead (Original Copy)
143. The Omen
144. The Hills Have Eyes
145. DRIVE-IN HORROR CLASSICS: The Head
146. DRIVE-IN HORROR CLASSICS: I Eat Your Skin
147. DRIVE-IN HORROR CLASSICS: The Manster
148. DRIVE-IN HORROR CLASSICS: The Screaming Skull
149. Edward Scissorhands
150. HELL IN THE FAMILY COLLECTION: Murder Mansion
151. HELL IN THE FAMILY COLLECTION: Night of Bloody Horror
152. HELL IN THE FAMILY COLLECTION: It Happened at Nightmare Inn
153. HELL IN THE FAMILY COLLECTION: Legacy of Blood
154. Child’s Play
155. Queen of the Damned
156. Children of the Corn
157. Cemetery Man
158. THE UNDEAD RISING COLLECTION: Revolt of the Zombies
159. THE UNDEAD RISING COLLECTION: Night of the Living Dead (1968)
160. THE UNDEAD RISING COLLECTION: Hard Rock Zombies
161. Dawn of the Dead (original copy
162. Redneck Zombies
163. Francis Coppola’s Dracula
164. Beetlejuice
165. Amityville II: the Possession
166. Cabinet of Caligari (60’s Remake)
167. The Devil’s Rejects
168. The Omen I: The Awakening
169. I Am OMEGA
170. The MAD
if you bothered to read all that, you have no right to ask me where they day goes.
2. Night of the Living Dead (Savini Remake)
3. Day of the Dead (+ Special Features Disk)
4. Return of the Living Dead
5. Hocus Pocus
6. The Lost Boys
7. The Evil Dead
8. Children of the Grave
9. Rocky Horror
10. The People Under the Stairs
11. An American Werewolf in London
12. Doghouse
13. Serial Killing 101
14. Planet Terror
15. Dawn of the Dead
16. The Gate
17. Sleepy Hollow
18. The Addam’s Family
19. The Addam’s Family Values
20. Friday the 13th, 2009
21. The Omen
22. A Haunting in Conneticut
23. The Amityville Horror
24. Wolfman 2010
25. The Shinnin’
26. Suspiria
27. The Devil’s Backbone
28. Kick Ass
29. Teen Witch
30. Halloweentown
31. Gravedancers
32. Restraint
33. Rosemary’s baby
34. Halloween
35. I know Who Killed Me
36. Amityville 1005
37. Shelter
38. Fido
39. Phantasm
40. Legion
41. The Serpent and the Rainbow
42. The Shortcut
43. Hannibal Rising
44. Rise: Blood Hunter
45. Taking Lives
46. Diary of the Dead
47. The Legend Trip
48. Near Dark
49. Zombieland
50. Dance of the Dead (w/ zombies)
51. Dead Alive
52. The Dead Zone
53. Army of Darkness
54. Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh
55. Ernest Scared Stupid
56. Alice in Wonderland 2010
57. Open House
58. Ed Gein
59. The Hills Run Red
60. Orphan
61. Jennifer’s Body
62. BTK
63. Frankenstein
64. Saw
65. Mr. Brooks
66. Pact of Silence
67. The Hunger
68. Cold Creek Manor
69. 30 Days of Night
70. The Devil’s Curse
71. Demons
72. The Howling
73. House of 1,000 Corpses
74. The Toxic Avenger
75. Prom Night (original)
76. Hatchet
77. Drag Me to Hell
78. Salem’s Lot
79. Zombies of Mass Destruction
80. Survival of the Dead
81. Daybreakers
82. Halloween 2 (Rob Zombie Remake)
83. The Re-Animator
84. Lost Boys II
85. The Woman in Black
86. One Missed Call
87. The Corpse Bride
88. The Happening
89. The Mist
90. Book of Blood
91. Day of the Dead (remake)
92. The Eye
93. Land of the Dead
94. Kemper
95. Dracula’s Guest
96. Dance of the Dead
97. Red Victoria
98. The Zodiac
99. The Zodiac (other one)
100. Murder Party
101. The Grudge III
102. Bled
103. Lady in the Water
104. Lucio Fulci’s ZOMBIE
105. Alone in the Dark II
106. Bob Berdella
107. Return of the Living Dead III
108. Shockwaves
109. My Bloody Valentine
110. I Bury the Living
111. Laid to Rest
112. Virus Undead
113. Vampire Clan
114. House
115. Mirrors
116. Mother Of Tears
117. P2
118. The Village
119. Money Matters
120. Boogeyman II
121. The Grey Man
122. Hannibal
123. Silence of the Lambs
124. Last of the Living
125. ZOMBIE COLLECTION: Night of the Living Dead (1968)
126. ZOMBIE COLLECTION: The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave
127. ZOMBIE COLLECTION: Terror Creatures from the Grave
128. ZOMBIE COLLECTION: The Snake People
129. ZOMBIE COLLECTION: Messiah Evil
130. The Ninth Gate
131. Fright Night
132. Death Becomes Her (VHS)
133. The Forsaken
134. Return of the Living Dead II
135. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
136. CHUCKY KILLER DVD COLLECTION: Child’s Play II
137. CHUCKY KILLER DVD COLLECTION: Child’s Play III
138. CHUCKY KILLER DVD COLLECTION: Bride of Chucky
139. CHUCKY KILLER DVD COLLECTION: Seed of Chucky
140. Interview with the Vampire
141. Frailty
142. Day of the Dead (Original Copy)
143. The Omen
144. The Hills Have Eyes
145. DRIVE-IN HORROR CLASSICS: The Head
146. DRIVE-IN HORROR CLASSICS: I Eat Your Skin
147. DRIVE-IN HORROR CLASSICS: The Manster
148. DRIVE-IN HORROR CLASSICS: The Screaming Skull
149. Edward Scissorhands
150. HELL IN THE FAMILY COLLECTION: Murder Mansion
151. HELL IN THE FAMILY COLLECTION: Night of Bloody Horror
152. HELL IN THE FAMILY COLLECTION: It Happened at Nightmare Inn
153. HELL IN THE FAMILY COLLECTION: Legacy of Blood
154. Child’s Play
155. Queen of the Damned
156. Children of the Corn
157. Cemetery Man
158. THE UNDEAD RISING COLLECTION: Revolt of the Zombies
159. THE UNDEAD RISING COLLECTION: Night of the Living Dead (1968)
160. THE UNDEAD RISING COLLECTION: Hard Rock Zombies
161. Dawn of the Dead (original copy
162. Redneck Zombies
163. Francis Coppola’s Dracula
164. Beetlejuice
165. Amityville II: the Possession
166. Cabinet of Caligari (60’s Remake)
167. The Devil’s Rejects
168. The Omen I: The Awakening
169. I Am OMEGA
170. The MAD
if you bothered to read all that, you have no right to ask me where they day goes.
i used to keep journals
now i can't be bothered to blog anything. i'm going up to round up a new notebook.
Friday, August 20, 2010
meet charlie
I grow pumpkins. heirloom pumpkins.
it brings me joy.
so i worked ALL day today. got up at six. worked from eight to five. ran around a Jmart all freaking day. got home--and dad's mowed the lawn--and my garden.
just couldn't leave well enough alone.
so i see this gnarled scratched half-eaten immature lumina pumpkin. the poor guy (actually pumpkins are biologically FEMALE, did you know?) is still green, just starting to turn pale white, and has all these scratches and claw marks in his side.
no saving him now, his vine's been severed. I ripped it off and hurled it across the garden. that just made things worse--he cracked.
i picked him up and got a kind of spark.
i don't have the heart to toss him in the empty lot next door or throw him out in the cans--I'm going to resurrect this pumpkin into a symbol of my internal farmer's frustration:
he's a zombie.
(click for detail.)
amazing what you can do with some misplaced frustration, an xacto-knife, some pumpkin seeds (the seeds i could pull out of his eye socket were too fresh and immature, they didn't look right--so i used edible health-food ones) and a box of liquid and gel food coloring. that's an unripe roma tomato in his mouth fixed with a broken toothpick.
poor guy was so young he wasn't even orange inside, yet--i painted his cracks. it was like carving a honeydew.
i wanted to make his nose and upside-down triangle, but while having an argument with my sister as to whether or not jack o'lanterns noses are pointed up or down, i subconsciously did it wrong.
the pictures don't do it justice, he really looks diseased and violent in real life. i'm very proud.
it brings me joy.
so i worked ALL day today. got up at six. worked from eight to five. ran around a Jmart all freaking day. got home--and dad's mowed the lawn--and my garden.
just couldn't leave well enough alone.
so i see this gnarled scratched half-eaten immature lumina pumpkin. the poor guy (actually pumpkins are biologically FEMALE, did you know?) is still green, just starting to turn pale white, and has all these scratches and claw marks in his side.
no saving him now, his vine's been severed. I ripped it off and hurled it across the garden. that just made things worse--he cracked.
i picked him up and got a kind of spark.
i don't have the heart to toss him in the empty lot next door or throw him out in the cans--I'm going to resurrect this pumpkin into a symbol of my internal farmer's frustration:
he's a zombie.
(click for detail.)
amazing what you can do with some misplaced frustration, an xacto-knife, some pumpkin seeds (the seeds i could pull out of his eye socket were too fresh and immature, they didn't look right--so i used edible health-food ones) and a box of liquid and gel food coloring. that's an unripe roma tomato in his mouth fixed with a broken toothpick.
poor guy was so young he wasn't even orange inside, yet--i painted his cracks. it was like carving a honeydew.
i wanted to make his nose and upside-down triangle, but while having an argument with my sister as to whether or not jack o'lanterns noses are pointed up or down, i subconsciously did it wrong.
the pictures don't do it justice, he really looks diseased and violent in real life. i'm very proud.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
parenting for MORONS!
i was at work on wednesday, minding my business. up at the registers we have a vendor's ice freezer with a large see-thru glass door. now all last week local temperatures were peaking about 94, 96 Fahrenheit--needless to say we sold out all pools, air-conditioners, most deodorant and 90% of our ice. in fact the only bags that were left in the freezer were the ones that stuck to the sides and very bottom because they were packed in too tightly. an average person could fit inside this freezer, and its vacant space inside was quite a tempting sight--but don't get ahead of us, now. it's not what you think. sort of.
so, back to mindin' my own business. i'm putting some unwanted merchandise away at the registers, walking back and forth and i feel this breeze. it was awfully refreshing, as it had that humidity-free tinge of recirculated air. Mmmmm. I turn and i see a small boy--not too small, about ten or twelve--opening and closing the door of the freezer.
"whatever". [[don't get ahead of me!]]
back to what i'm doing, counting down the minutes to the end of mah shift. I notice the constant rubbery "fump" of the door opening and closing has stopped and the motor has switched gears. turn around.
he's got his left leg inside the freezer, perched inside. he's just hanging out, airing out his prepubescent junk.
"honey, get out of there!" [[in my most stern and mothering tone.]]
he barely looks at me, just closes the door. turn around. back to my shopping carts full of crap. i go to walk across the front of the store to the other end and i notice the boy isn't there, door is closed. i look IN the freezer.
well, you got this part already.
biggest grin on his freezing little face. hands open slapping the inside of the door like a monkey. he kneels down on the sheet of ice sealing the bags beneath them on the floor of the freezer.
i go to the supervisor's counter where the phone is and stand all official and loudly ask our loyal patrons:
"whose kid is this in the freezer?", pointing to the blue boy dancing on the picnic ice behind the heavy rubber-rimmed glass door.
eight women look up, not one of them says a word. no one claims him.
i turn my head and he's slowly climbed out. almost ashamed, almost. i make the mistake of my day--turn my head again.
you know what he's done.
i hit the "page" button on the phone for security and a manager.
i hear "oh, hohoho! he wants to be frozen! hahahaha!" and she walks him out of the store like nothing's happened. she was in front of me the whole time, getting checked out by another cashier.
with the exception of the obvious and hilarious, two very wrong things were involved in this incident.
1. The mother was oblivious. did not know anything, did not CARE. couldn't be bothered with her child or his whereabouts. thought the whole thing was adorable and hilarious.
2. i left his one rather genius [not really, sort of] detail out of the incident:
as little timmy sonofabitch is playing with the freezer door, you hear this constant "thhuck, foomp. thhuck, foomp" as the door opens and closes. it is a heavy metal and glass door with a rather sticky rubber gasket to help it seal itself.
as this child--who's old enough [between ten and twelve] to understand concepts like "heavy door", "suffocation"--is having the time of his life airing out his gonads in a public freezer, the thought has not occurred to him that if the door is hard to open from the outside it may be difficult to push open from the inside.
for this kid, logic dictates that the when you're having a hard time opening tricky door to a frozen wunderhaus, the best thing to do is to simply climb inside and see if that middle school math helps to calculate the rapidly decreasing fresh air.
a dear coworker turned to me, and with all the grace and wisdom she could muster from her sixty-odd years on this planet she looked at me and said: "it's a different world, Nadia."
so, back to mindin' my own business. i'm putting some unwanted merchandise away at the registers, walking back and forth and i feel this breeze. it was awfully refreshing, as it had that humidity-free tinge of recirculated air. Mmmmm. I turn and i see a small boy--not too small, about ten or twelve--opening and closing the door of the freezer.
"whatever". [[don't get ahead of me!]]
back to what i'm doing, counting down the minutes to the end of mah shift. I notice the constant rubbery "fump" of the door opening and closing has stopped and the motor has switched gears. turn around.
he's got his left leg inside the freezer, perched inside. he's just hanging out, airing out his prepubescent junk.
"honey, get out of there!" [[in my most stern and mothering tone.]]
he barely looks at me, just closes the door. turn around. back to my shopping carts full of crap. i go to walk across the front of the store to the other end and i notice the boy isn't there, door is closed. i look IN the freezer.
well, you got this part already.
biggest grin on his freezing little face. hands open slapping the inside of the door like a monkey. he kneels down on the sheet of ice sealing the bags beneath them on the floor of the freezer.
i go to the supervisor's counter where the phone is and stand all official and loudly ask our loyal patrons:
"whose kid is this in the freezer?", pointing to the blue boy dancing on the picnic ice behind the heavy rubber-rimmed glass door.
eight women look up, not one of them says a word. no one claims him.
i turn my head and he's slowly climbed out. almost ashamed, almost. i make the mistake of my day--turn my head again.
you know what he's done.
i hit the "page" button on the phone for security and a manager.
i hear "oh, hohoho! he wants to be frozen! hahahaha!" and she walks him out of the store like nothing's happened. she was in front of me the whole time, getting checked out by another cashier.
with the exception of the obvious and hilarious, two very wrong things were involved in this incident.
1. The mother was oblivious. did not know anything, did not CARE. couldn't be bothered with her child or his whereabouts. thought the whole thing was adorable and hilarious.
2. i left his one rather genius [not really, sort of] detail out of the incident:
as little timmy sonofabitch is playing with the freezer door, you hear this constant "thhuck, foomp. thhuck, foomp" as the door opens and closes. it is a heavy metal and glass door with a rather sticky rubber gasket to help it seal itself.
as this child--who's old enough [between ten and twelve] to understand concepts like "heavy door", "suffocation"--is having the time of his life airing out his gonads in a public freezer, the thought has not occurred to him that if the door is hard to open from the outside it may be difficult to push open from the inside.
for this kid, logic dictates that the when you're having a hard time opening tricky door to a frozen wunderhaus, the best thing to do is to simply climb inside and see if that middle school math helps to calculate the rapidly decreasing fresh air.
a dear coworker turned to me, and with all the grace and wisdom she could muster from her sixty-odd years on this planet she looked at me and said: "it's a different world, Nadia."
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
things to do:
*take up that axe collection
(i could see that happening if i develop disposable income)
*quit job
*pluck and lighten eyebrows
(because i'm 1/4 Sasquatch)
*refill glass with organic lemonade and seltzer
*close the window--its freaking raining!
today i see myself growing ever closer to that day my shaky emotional behavior has me doing a twelve-step apology to my coworkers in the break room for being all dooms and glooms. its not my fault i have to wait on the mouth-breathers.
my work evaluation read "needs to learn to deal with and accept customers"
so i beg you for a year to give me a real position there away from the registers and this is your answer???
THINGS TO DO CONTINUED:
*shave legs (that stubble isn't going to just fall out--that's for the hair on your head to do!
*sleep a consecutive twelve hours (you should have bought that air-conditioner)
(i could see that happening if i develop disposable income)
*quit job
*pluck and lighten eyebrows
(because i'm 1/4 Sasquatch)
*refill glass with organic lemonade and seltzer
*close the window--its freaking raining!
today i see myself growing ever closer to that day my shaky emotional behavior has me doing a twelve-step apology to my coworkers in the break room for being all dooms and glooms. its not my fault i have to wait on the mouth-breathers.
my work evaluation read "needs to learn to deal with and accept customers"
so i beg you for a year to give me a real position there away from the registers and this is your answer???
THINGS TO DO CONTINUED:
*shave legs (that stubble isn't going to just fall out--that's for the hair on your head to do!
*sleep a consecutive twelve hours (you should have bought that air-conditioner)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
things i want to hear God say
i looooooove Inside the Actor's Studio. i looooooathe its non-existent time-slot on bravo. the Bernard Pivot questionnaire is my favorite bit, and like a pretentious suicide-girl, i'm going to give as many answers as i can to my favorite one:
"if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you reach the pearly gates?"
1. want to go again? leave your slushy here though, you'll spill it.
2. i really have no idea what side the American Catholic League is on!
3. NAFTA? that wasn't me--that was the beast.
4. sorry about the whole poo thing.
5. we're going to get baked and watch Bowie in Labyrinth. Want a Dorito?
6. LOVED your homemade Ouija boards! You were a creative girl scout!
7. Hunter Thompson just farted and high-five'd George Carlin.
8. To be honest i really don't know if Michael Jackson is dead or not! I wasn't looking!
9. that bitch totally had a weave!
10. i was watching you have sex through the eyes of that velvet painting in your parent's living room.
11. i could never get into the SIMS.
12. i DO sound like James Mason...
13. i know i said there were no refunds in the suicide policy, but i guess you can have store credit.
14. well I just loved your screenplay.
15. don't feel bad about your second novel, though. only the whackos read mine.
"if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you reach the pearly gates?"
1. want to go again? leave your slushy here though, you'll spill it.
2. i really have no idea what side the American Catholic League is on!
3. NAFTA? that wasn't me--that was the beast.
4. sorry about the whole poo thing.
5. we're going to get baked and watch Bowie in Labyrinth. Want a Dorito?
6. LOVED your homemade Ouija boards! You were a creative girl scout!
7. Hunter Thompson just farted and high-five'd George Carlin.
8. To be honest i really don't know if Michael Jackson is dead or not! I wasn't looking!
9. that bitch totally had a weave!
10. i was watching you have sex through the eyes of that velvet painting in your parent's living room.
11. i could never get into the SIMS.
12. i DO sound like James Mason...
13. i know i said there were no refunds in the suicide policy, but i guess you can have store credit.
14. well I just loved your screenplay.
15. don't feel bad about your second novel, though. only the whackos read mine.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
the most PERFECT birthday ever.
there's always next year.
i want a cake that looks like that:
pearls, flowers, fairies. i want a party that rivals the birthday scene in Marie Antoinette, and the morning after. 90% outside in a garden with trees and flowers and a non-stop breeze.
i want the futureheads or maximo park to play, and i want a new pink dress made of pink cotton gauze.
but the catering, painstakingly prepared by me and loyal assistants for a week in advance:
Mexican food and macaroni & cheese. I'm dead serious. i would step over my own mother for a taco. a REAL taco. even on my birthday. There has to be homemade peach and black cherry ice creams, served with Sparkling Lemonade from Santa Cruz Organic
i want a newly-tuned steinway and i want to sit at it for three hours singing all our favorite songs.
one can dream, huh?
i want a cake that looks like that:
pearls, flowers, fairies. i want a party that rivals the birthday scene in Marie Antoinette, and the morning after. 90% outside in a garden with trees and flowers and a non-stop breeze.
i want the futureheads or maximo park to play, and i want a new pink dress made of pink cotton gauze.
but the catering, painstakingly prepared by me and loyal assistants for a week in advance:
Mexican food and macaroni & cheese. I'm dead serious. i would step over my own mother for a taco. a REAL taco. even on my birthday. There has to be homemade peach and black cherry ice creams, served with Sparkling Lemonade from Santa Cruz Organic
i want a newly-tuned steinway and i want to sit at it for three hours singing all our favorite songs.
one can dream, huh?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
a horrible violent event
tomorrow is the one-month anniversary, at 4:11 pm, of the most horrible and painful violent event i have ever witnessed in my adult life. written word cannot express the sorrow, guilt and compassionate emotion that describes what i--and more importantly, the people involved--went through. its on my list of meaningful things to do to make a video statement of the event to try and capture in the most sincere way, what an attempted suicide can do to a complete stranger. till then, a photograph of my shaken face the day after it happened in my near-catatonic state:
hit like a train on a track
i lost a co-worker last week. she was on the schedule Wednesday morning but wasn't there for work.
it took a couple days of prying until i found out she'd been fired. fired for stealing money. she's been with the store for years and years, and they got rid of her for taking money. i don't believe its true. i work for people that jump at the chance to crucify their employees for theft. they hammer in the nails at least three times a year. its awful. they dehumanize them. they turn the rest of their own people against them. then they hire more, mostly young ones, and train them improperly so as to create a new clique of ignorant temporary workers who have no concept of struggle, inconvenience and camaraderie. [they also can't run a register to save their lives.] they're obedient and follow all the protocol. offer all the extra benefits that eat up time and require eye-contact and near in-depth conversation with the customer. they exceed quotas on their daily requirement sheets. 27 donations here, twelve rewards card enrollments there. its pathetic. cashiers in a large busy retail environment are there to MOVE THE LINE! sometimes even friendly banter drives me nuts. I'm polite. i thank the customer and give them the correct change. i don't hurry them or even let them see my roll my eyes when they ask stupid questions. i move the lines and take the money.
i hate my fucking job. i miss the old ladies.
it took a couple days of prying until i found out she'd been fired. fired for stealing money. she's been with the store for years and years, and they got rid of her for taking money. i don't believe its true. i work for people that jump at the chance to crucify their employees for theft. they hammer in the nails at least three times a year. its awful. they dehumanize them. they turn the rest of their own people against them. then they hire more, mostly young ones, and train them improperly so as to create a new clique of ignorant temporary workers who have no concept of struggle, inconvenience and camaraderie. [they also can't run a register to save their lives.] they're obedient and follow all the protocol. offer all the extra benefits that eat up time and require eye-contact and near in-depth conversation with the customer. they exceed quotas on their daily requirement sheets. 27 donations here, twelve rewards card enrollments there. its pathetic. cashiers in a large busy retail environment are there to MOVE THE LINE! sometimes even friendly banter drives me nuts. I'm polite. i thank the customer and give them the correct change. i don't hurry them or even let them see my roll my eyes when they ask stupid questions. i move the lines and take the money.
i hate my fucking job. i miss the old ladies.
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