re-cap: seven months: JUNE

celebrated 21 years on the 2nd. also briefly observed one year anniversary of heart attack several weeks before.

developed strong like for chex mix and threw myself into a macrobiotic half-assed lifestyle of spending $50 on lettuces and fruits and eating about $30 worth, choking down smoothies and throwing out seafood.

made the WORST birthday cake ever for myself, out of crepes and chocolate custard. probably should have covered it in the fridge, as the outside dried out and the inside turned to mush. looked fucking rediculous.

I told you so.

continued to work and gripe. overdrew my bank account by three dollars over a bag of chex mix, and payed a fourty-dollar overdraft fee for it. bastards.

meticulously [not really] planned my sister's birthday and observed it without a hitch on the 25th. [not really]

went to dunkin' donuts for a dozen rainbow-sprinked pasties and i put seventeen trick candles on her birthday cake, and one normal one for good luck. FUCKING STUPID IDEA. had to take the cake outside and throw it on the grill and wait for it to burn itself off. we threw the cake out. i overcooked it when i left it in the oven after turning the oven off. damn carryover.

all was well and we watched REDNECK ZOMBIES when my father came in from work. told us his nightshift coverage coming in told him Michael Jackson was dead.

switched over CNN and cried.

he died while we were at dunkin donuts. or maybe while we were on our way there and i was fighting really bad with my mother. was i fighting? i remember being really angry.

best friend says i'm taking it better than he did when his grandmother died. there's a major part of my childhood almost compromised by his death. I've been enamored with him since i was old enough to say his name. I just miss him really bad.

re-cap: seven months: MARCH/APRIL/MAY

hours increased slightly in march, still consumed by dead-end job at the department store. withdrew foodstamp case.

couldn't bear the thought of having failed and been failed at such a young age to have to need assistance in such an unfortunate situation.

also, tax money came in. pays to file early. got that one-time stimulus. it actually went pretty far.

changed haircolor too many times to remember, realized the personal infidelity scandal was in its final trimester and we enjoyed the final two months where we didn't have to mutter "any day now" to eachother.

the sun came out and the weather changed, ironicly i blew a bunch of money on post-season sweaters and hoodies. who can resist $3 cardigans at rue 21? i don't make enough money to buy winter clothes in the winter.

best memory of the whole debacle was covering dave matthews band's "GREY STREET" on a really big piano.

April nearly quit job, fought with crazy customers and decided to skip work to sit on the kitchen floor and cry. didn't lose my job, but came pretty goddamn close.

made it up to the boss in may, took on a veritable crap-load of hours and let work consume and numb me for the other woman's final month of pregnancy. she gave birth to a girl on the 27th.
then i got a really big paycheck and spent it all on food and shoes.

we love you, stella.

re-cap: seven months: DECEMBER/JANUARY/FEBRUARY.

finished december more consumed by the shock and awe of working the retail christmas season. i did a lousy five hours on christmas eve and still managed to enjoy myself over the holidays. though having to work new year's eve took a lot out of me--i wasn't able to enjoy, cook or party as hard as i usually do.

my hours were cut drasticly down to about ten to fifteen a week in January, which is somewhat normal forbig-box retail. filed for food stamps at the end of february and ceased paying rent.


watched my best friend do his best to work and live as "normal" in the middle of a highly emotional private scandal involving double-infidelity and an illegitimate pregnancy. we hid it well.

I fucking hate winter.