are we human, or are we dancer?

my life is ruled by two major forces of influence; the homestead and the home. i know that sounds funny, but they really are two different things. I live with my parents at the homestead. i take care of my younger sister. I work a small retail job as a cashier to provide an outlet for my masochistic side. i like a little abuse; the angry customer, the rejected credit-card, the schedulled lunch.

the state of living is excruciatingly lonely. i sabotage most of my friendships and relationships out of paranoia, possessiveness, and fear of abandonment. [the old "reject them, before they reject you."] I still obsess over the image of the scraggly long-haired prince charming in shimmering armor and day-old pants banging down my front door to take me away from the homestead and back to the home.

I guess I fancy myself the perfect housewife; i bake, i cook, i clean. I will not wear pants unless its for a job and i absolutely have to. I live in dresses and i keep a striking appearance by updating my hairstyle and haircolor as frequently as possible. I have an original 1972 betty crocker cookbook, and i read martha stewart living.

I want a thousand kids--okay, maybe twelve. eight or ten of my own. I want a big farmhouse in plantation country, Louisiana. I want to move my parents to the Adirondacks, and i want to build a thousand homes for the people of New Orleans. I honestly think about adopting a disenfranchised child every day.

i used to be afraid to leave the house. It took me a while to get used to riding in a car again after i didn't leave the house for nearly three months back in early 2007. I would be afraid that I would run into people who had wronged me everywhere I went, and lived with massive guilt and reoccuring nightmares of terrible tragedies and mistakes with every moment of my life.

I eventually became so run-down that I developed a fertility disorder, insulin-resistance, anemia and i even had a mild heart attack last May. I became literally obsessed with nutrition and traditional fitness, taking up belldance and scheming to install a pole in my bedroom so i could stripper-cise.

so nad takes her top off--her head, not her blouse.

the actual title of the blog is a reference to the late night cartoon Metalocalypse [season 2 on DVD today!] Skwisgarr (sweedish) is skeptical of Murderface's obsession with finding religion after a near-death experience.

SKWISGARR:"this is dildos! doesn't he knows that there's no such things as religions."
PICKLES:"there is such a thing as religion. Just because you don't belive in a God, doesn't mean there's no such thing as religion."
SKIWSGARR:"Maybe, I...reevaluates my lifes, then."